TAO LIN TUMBLR PRESENCE

“Non-Eccentric Piano Prodigy” Hamster (click for “cooking tips”/etc.) via Pop Serial #3/north american hamsters

(Source: popserial)

Factory-Farmed Hamster

“Unable to Process Neutral Statements as Neutral” Hamster

Inconspicuously Hyperlinked Hamster

Nondescript unless touched with a force between 16 psi and 25.4 psi or viewed with a literally palpable intensity, at which point there materializes either a dotted line, sometimes of color, sort of “hovering” beneath it, or a light blue glow emanating from its surface, indicating that it is a hyperlink, the Inconspicuously Hyperlinked Hamster is otherwise a fine species of hamster—respectful, considerate, dignified, beautifully groomed, interestingly tactful, with no major vices, allergies, or viral susceptibilities.

Average weight/height (record): .9 lbs/2.7” (1.2 lbs/3.3”)
Average life expectancy (record): 16.1 years (36.9 years)
Favorite book(s): Dinner At The Home-Sick Restaurant
Favorite band(s): Rainer Maria, Modest Mouse, Monade
Favorite movie(s): Stardust Memories
Favorite sexual position: missionary

Hunting tips: Extremely difficult to capture because it’s a hyperlink that when touched at a force exceeding 25.4 psi transports your consciousness elsewhere—a porn site usually, though sometimes a Telegraph or [English-language newspaper based in India] article about humorously extreme domestic-violence, yeti sightings, or alleged discoveries of new species of fish—it is not recommended that one hunt the Inconspicuously Hyperlinked Hamster unless for financial reasons, in which case it is highly recommended that the “hunt” be filmed in one continuous shot periodically displaying that day’s New York Times to prove to prospective buyers that what you’ve captured isn’t actually a Common American Hamster or [other species of hamster worth little, or “nothing,” in terms of eating it for abstract reasons].

Cooking tips: Considered an extreme delicacy because of the stressful, embarrassing (for all parties), expensive, physically-demanding process of “de-linking” that must be exacted upon it before it can be touched (the most common “de-linking” method is actually to use a leaf blower on “any gathering of unsuspecting hamsters,” as the Inconspicuously Hyperlinked Hamster can physically resemble almost any type of hamster, into the physical manifestation of a blank Microsoft Word document, where it can be right-clicked to have its hyperlink removed), the actual meat of the Inconspicuously Hyperlinked Hamster is similar to that of the Freshwater Hamster—somewhat dry, vaguely fibrous, slightly bitter.

- from “North American Hamsters,” a forthcoming iPhone app by Tao Lin

Prize-Winning Hamster

Previously identifiable by the conspicuous growths on the sides of their bodies that resemble and are, literally/actually, “prize ribbons” (mysteriously the growths exhibit the exact molecular structure as any “prize ribbon” available at Kmart or used in elementary school spelling bees) many Prize-Winning Hamsters have, in the past three years, for societal reasons too complex to adequately enunciate in this description, begun “amputating” their ribbons via “an expensive, not-always-successful, nonetheless FDA-approved procedure” that utilizes laser technology first employed in the New Mexico Hamster War of 2012 (to annihilate enemy hamsters in a bloodless, PG-13 manner—ostensibly because of the main warzone’s proximity to a middle school and a daycare center, actually because hamster soldiers perform more effectively “when their weaponry resembles video game weaponry from the mid 90s,” according to military files accidentally posted in an online discussion forum about Bright Eyes). Today an estimated 38% of Prize-Winning Hamsters have “de-prized” themselves—choosing to “house” their “self” within a less obviously qualified/rated physical manifestation. The other 62% can be identified by ribbons displaying prizes ranging, most commonly, from 1st to 10th, in colors ranging from dark blue to peach-fuzz orange, though prizes as “low” as the mid 40s, and, once, 649th, have been photographed—usually (re the “lower” prizes) blurrily, while the hamster is running away, in what most psychologists consider to be “shame.”

Average weight/height (record): 1.1 lbs/3.1” (1.8 lbs/4.1”)
Average life expectancy (record): 11.4 years (24.9 years)
Favorite book(s): Invisible Monsters, The Contortionist’s Handbook
Favorite band(s): Radiohead
Favorite movie(s): Se7en
Favorite sexual position: missionary

Hunting tips: Depending on the content of their “prize ribbon” the Prize-Winning Hamster is either shockingly confident (running through public spaces screaming in joy while flailing their bodies, in extreme cases—if one can describe a round object as “flailing”) or severely lacking in self-esteem (hiding in dark, soil-y holes crying and binge-eating baked goods while feeling focusedly suicidal in a manner meant to be cathartic but ultimately “only exasperating, in terms of mental distress,” in extreme cases). Approach a specimen displaying a prize placement between 3^rd and 9^th (at this range of innate praise the Prize-Winning Hamster likely will not attempt to escape in fear or feel such confidence that it cannot control itself from openly attacking you), placing it in a plastic baggie.

Cooking tips: Carefully “slice off” the “prize ribbon,” which can be used to express fondness/sincerity the next time you mail someone something and feel that, in your letter, you seem “really depressed” or “vaguely sarcastic.” Peel and slice the hamster like a kiwi, using the skin, and its connective fatty tissue, as an oil-base for the broiling of the meat slices. For “de-prized” hamsters excise and discard the scar tissue immediately, before doing anything else, as it can seem—in its implications of “ruined youth,” “mental distress,” and [something about cancer]—depressing/unappetizing on an otherwise relatively consistently contoured piece of meat.

- from “North American Hamsters,” a forthcoming iPhone app by Tao Lin

“Franz Otto” Hamster

The subject of a 2011 documentary by Brooklyn-based “Adam Humphreys” Hamster, of the Canadian genus, the “Franz Otto” Hamster, also of the Canadian genus, is a specific, legendary, mysterious hamster—rumored/theorized to be of the “Severely Depressed” species—that seems to have channeled its “intense depression” and/or “confusion about existence,” some say, into “tree planting,” a popular form of seasonal employment for young Canadian hamsters in which tree seedlings are transplanted for landscaping, forestry, or land reclamation purposes. Little, or “nothing,” is known about the “Franz Otto” Hamster except what can be found in the “hall of fame” section on tree-planter.com (“The Online Community for Canadian Tree Planters!”), where more than twenty fellow tree planters have nominated it, as of 9/25/19, for inclusion in the “Canadian Tree Planter Hall of Fame,” stating such supporting sentences as “during the working day he would down jars of honey for quick energy, and as the ground was trenched, moved very fast,” “Franz consistently planted some of the best looking trees I’ve ever seen,” and “he’s working for Celtic on Vancouver Island and apparently he’s Hot Shit.” In a 2015 interview with Film Comment Brooklyn-based “Adam Humphreys” Hamster said “[tree-planter.com’s ‘hall of fame’ section] is where I first read about [the ‘Franz Otto’ Hamster.] The tone of the nominations…combined with the overall epic feel of [the ‘Franz Otto’ Hamster’s] only known picture…and the name ‘Franz Otto’ (a name that, to me, evokes the most willful and terrifying notions of ‘German-ness,’ or ‘Germanity’ (thinking of people like Herzog or Schwarzenegger, who is Austrian, with the ‘madness’ of Klaus Kinski), led to a state of excitement that eventually ‘spurred’ my quest to find and document [the ‘Franz Otto’ Hamster] in the Summer of 2009.” Four years later the sentiment “his name is very well known within the tree planting subculture and completely unknown outside of the subculture,” conveyed by eight different hamsters to at least nine hundred other hamsters, in at least forty different emails, some of them “mass,” over a period of ten years, as the documentary gained distribution and “coverage,” among other things, was no longer true—was no longer true at all, to some degree, as by then the “Franz Otto” Hamster was “pretty well-known,” according to [3-6 websites/blogs], in several other subcultures, including the “independent, feature-length, documentary film focused, at least ostensibly, on one individual” subculture, receiving higher name-recognition scores, in the 18-35 demographic, in Toronto and Montreal, according to a poll on [one of the aforementioned 3-6 websites/blogs], than “Guyana” (a South American Country), “Cesar Pavese” (a “major” Italian writer), and “Past Worn Searching” (Rainer Maria’s first CD).

Average height/weight (record): unknown (unknown)
Average life expectancy (record): unknown (unknown)
Favorite book(s): unknown
Favorite band(s): unknown
Favorite movie(s): unknown
Favorite sexual position: unknown but probably missionary

Hunting tips: Based on testimonials on tree-planter.com’s “hall of fame” section that allege the “Franz Otto” Hamster to be capable of planting 2000-3000 trees a day and work three times as fast as everyone else, it is believed that the “Franz Otto” Hamster might be difficult to apprehend and probably “very hard,” once apprehended, to “retain.” Approach the “Franz Otto” Hamster from above, by hang-glider, or something, placing it in three heavy-duty Zip-loc bags (one inside the second, itself inside the third), taking care not to damage its vocal chords or brain (via insufficient airflow), so that it can be interviewed in the following days/weeks/years for TV, radio, YouTube segments, or future/”spin-off” documentaries.

Cooking tips: Cut into thick filets, if possible (re “thick”), tenderizing the result with a clean, blunt object before marinating briefly in an olive oil-soy sauce mixture. Boil “that” for five to eight minutes. Serve with a heavy gravy, as the “Franz Otto” Hamster is likely to have “not that much” fatty tissue—depending, though, on recent tree planting opportunities as well as “off-season” dietary habit and hobbies, of which there is little or “no” extant information, however.

- from “North American Hamsters,” a forthcoming iPhone app by Tao Lin

“Melissa Broder” Hamster

A poetic, fast-maturing species of hamster that typically before even reaching the age, in hamster years, of “tweenhood” has already entered a life-long symbiotic relationship with one to three guinea pigs, the “Melissa Broder” Hamster is known additionally for its excellent, bright, and unusual—though rare, to some degree—use of similes/metaphors and beautifully dirty-blonde locks generally considered to be the longest and “most flowing” (New York Magazine) among North American hamsters without extensive fur-work at an early age. Some say the symbiotic relationship is more predatory than mutually beneficial, as the “Melissa Broder” Hamster has been known to somehow train its guinea pigs to walk in certain directions at certain speeds as it stands on their backsides, perhaps by emitting high-pitched predatory noises while applying directionalized pressure via its feet, much in the manner that humans “ride” Segways. The consensus, to a large degree, however, is that this behavior is more cute than exploitive, especially as a tableaux (a hamster “riding” a guinea pig), due to the extremely cute nature of “everyone” involved—in addition, it should be admitted, to the incommunicable nature of “the obscure thoughts and feelings of the mysterious guinea pig,” that “they cannot complain, even if they wanted to badly” (Newsweek). In its self-transportation methods the “Melissa Broder” Hamster is viewed by five out of seven scientists as a zeitgeist-changing innovator, to be admired and interviewed in alt-weeklies, leading to mainstream coverage 2-4 years from now. In recent years the “guinea pig component” of the aforementioned symbiotic relationship has been referred to, in an almost impatient manner, as “the intern” or “the interns,” as the “Melissa Broder” Hamster, though most notably the author of the poetry-collection When You Say One Thing And Mean Your Mother, has also been known to work as a publicist for a major publishing company. In 2013, after years of rumors, it was confirmed on the internet that the five largest publishing companies had banded together to secretly construct the largest guinea pig factory farm in the Western hemisphere, in rural New Jersey, for purposes of producing an unlimited supply of interns cheaply and in conditions that would render “complaining” in any other context, outside the factory farm, “impossible”—which would benefit the overall office environment, possibly decreasing out-of-control, passive-aggressive, or “really inconsiderate” behavior in the workplace. The project seemed misguided to many because guinea pigs already “cannot complain,” as Newsweek so affectingly enunciated as early as 1982.

Average weight/height (record): .6 lbs/2.8” (.9 lbs/3.1”)
Average life expectancy (record): 14.4 years (27.9 years)
Favorite book(s): short ones
Favorite band(s): Belle & Sebastian
Favorite movie(s): Harold and Maude
Favorite sexual position: The Bernadette Mayer

Hunting tips: Silently—carrying a garbage bag—approach the “Melissa Broder” Hamster from behind, as its inetrns will probably be on either side of it. Place the “Melissa Broder” Hamster and, optionally, one to three interns (depending on your dinner plans) inside the garbage bag, taking care not to be deceived by the lightless folds of your garbage bag if it’s black—recommended if hunting at night—in a manner that causes you to discern an opening where there simply isn’t one.

Cooking tips: Serve baked in entirety with a salt-and-pepper or tomato-y dipping sauce (or both, even) for a crispy, calcium-rich snack. Good for children who appreciate when their food resembles [any noun or even pronoun, for example “Robert Creeley”], but in miniature, for example animal crackers—though in this case, in a phenomenon whose long-term effects on the child psyche is not yet known, the food will, in terms of shape, resemble itself literally. In adult settings feel free to quip “literally eating a poet, a published poet” or something like “wonder how what I’m eating would describe this moment within the haiku form, if I was eating it in a manner that it could still use Microsoft Word,” substituting “haiku” with “sestina,” “tanka,” or [anything, really] depending on context.

- from “North American Hamsters,” a forthcoming iPhone app by Tao Lin

HTMLGIANT Hamster

Discovered in a previously unexplored Missouri cave system in late 2008 by a team of “Sarcastically ‘Sincerely Bored-of-Life’” Hamsters who wanted to explore caves after hearing about it via their local NPR affiliate, the fourteen HTMLGIANT Hamsters (widely reported, at the time, and for the next five years, to be the last surviving HTMLGIANT Hamsters, despite the simultaneously widely-reported news-item that cave paintings digitally photographed near the discovery site conveyed in the pictorial equivalent of “a concrete, literal prose style” that an estimated 160,000 currently “roam the Earth’s undergrounds”), rapidly and successfully adapted, with the help of special goggles, from “not having the ability to detect wavelengths between 500 and 600 nanometers” to “complete immersion in an internet-based lifestyle,” gaining “mad hits” as early as the summer of 2009 for their literary blog which they banded together to create in early 2009, only three months after learning of “electricity.” Administrated by Gene Morgan and edited by Blake Butler, htmlgiant.com is visited, as of late 2019, by an average of 450,000 unique hamsters per day. In a 2013 group interview, in which all fifteen HTMLGIANT Hamsters (the fifteenth was discovered in late 2011 “at the precipice of death,” according to Jon Krakauer, in his non-fiction opus Into the Wild Hamster’s Lair: htmlgiant.com, “mad page views,” and the spectre of Gordon Lish, underneath a seat on an abandoned school bus, shivering and quietly weeping, in northern Alaska) appeared on Oprah, it was officially revealed that hundreds of thousands of HTMLGIANT Hamsters are extant in an elaborate cave system below where the initial fourteen (who had been sent on “a kind of expedition, similar, perhaps, to the above-ground hamsters’ fabulous NASA program”) were discovered. The next day htmlgiant.com received an astounding—“simply astounding,” said popular “blog/media mogul” Nick Denton—982,506,221 page views, forcing, to some degree, the New York Times to print the words “mad” and “hits” adjacently (amounting to their first use of the term “mad hits,” to many of their older writers’ horror/dismay) in size 116 font, above an article stating, in the second half of its lede, with an unnamed but ultimately unchallenged (except on “a few” “personal blogs”) source, that Oprah had made 26 anonymous comments in an 86-minute period—from 2:10 a.m. to 3:36 a.m.—directly, obliquely, and implicitly “shit-talking” James Frey and, oddly, Matt Damon, via “name-calling,” agenda-driven generalizations of [various cultures/subcultures], and non-sequitur praise of Toni Morrison, Eckhart Tolle, and Ben Affleck.   

Average weight/height (record): 1.3 lbs/3.6” (1.9 lbs/3.9”)
Average life expectancy (record): 13.2 years (29.1 years)
Favorite book(s): Log of the S.S. The Mrs. Unguentine, books by Barry Hannah, Gary Lutz, George Saunders, Sam Lipsyte, Dennis Cooper, David Foster Wallace
Favorite band(s): Tom Waits, Of Montreal, Silver Jews
Favorite movie(s): Old Boy, Antichrist
Favorite sexual position: missionary

Hunting tips: Focusing only on those living in caves, as the fifteen currently aboveground are protected from chefs/poachers by various literary organizations, including AWP and PEN, approach the HTMLGIANT Hamster wearing a soundproof, full-body outfit ($899, Target), as, due to millennia of living in caves, the HTMLGIANT Hamster has, theoretically, developed an excellent sense of hearing. Wielding a flashlight that emits wavelengths only between 500 and 600 nanometers, the exact range of which the HTMLGIANT Hamster, it is hypothesized, cannot detect, further approach the HTMLGIANT Hamster, transferring it into a plastic baggie when you can—when you’re in range.

Cooking tips: Flay the HTMLGIANT Hamster in entirety and with a kind of intensity, stopping occasionally to remove contingencies of “bone matter” that fail to gelatinize, until you see before you a kind of paste. Insert the paste, which should be rubbery but still easily separable, into the centers of pre-prepared mounds of white flour. Fully enclose the paste before baking the resulting “meat bun” at 450 degrees for 6-9 minutes. “Makes for a delicious, hearty, charmingly atypical breakfast,” according to New York Magazine in a 2015 late-season issue devoted to “hypothetical meals,” as the fifteen HTMLGIANT Hamsters currently aboveground are protected from chefs/poachers by various literary organizations, including AWP and PEN. Though, as Poets & Writers (not unsavvy to the demand, mostly among “the indirectly ad-buying ultra-rich,” for “new kinds of meat, new species of meat”) reported in an issue concurrently in stores with the “hypothetical meals” New York Magazine issue: “As the fifteen HTMLGIANT Hamsters grow elderly, there comes the murmur, in the upper echelons of the culinary elite, of stomachs—perhaps not ‘growling,’ not quite, but definitely at least ‘purling,’ in curiosity, if not in hunger.”

- from “North American Hamsters,” a forthcoming iPhone app by Tao Lin

“Jordan Castro” Hamster

The “Jordan Castro” Hamster is a tragic species of mid-western hamster known almost exclusively (to 98.9%, 94.6%, or 91.2% of the North American population, according to studies by grad-students at universities as diverse as Harvard, Rutgers, and SCC) for the catchiness of its abbreviated name—Castraham—despite being more notable journalistically and perhaps objectively, to some degree, for exhibiting a charmingly high level of productivity at a young age in a myriad of genres/vocations including folk-punk, pop-punk, political pop-punk, banjo, guitar, tap dancing, [knowledge of] rap music, [knowledge of] certain “internet lit scenes,” poetry, fiction, non-fiction, “Flickr,” “Twitter,” and “having a regularly updated blog.” Some say the catchiness of the word Castraham (which in a 2011 dual-study at Yale and Wesleyan was found to be used an average of 18.9 times per semester per undergraduate poetry class), is a result, “simply,” of containing only one kind of vowel three times in quick succession—a more intense version of “hobo” or “ABBA,” for example. Others say the appeal of the word is “beyond explanation,” or rather that it is a phenomenon “more suited for feeling wonder and gratitude towards” (rather than “explaining, as if it were a long division problem, another thing to solve and forget”), not unlike the existence of fractals in the Romanesco broccoli and some forms of the bonsai tree. In 2014 an elderly piano teacher “delighted America, and other countries” when she appeared on ABC’s 20/20 in a quirky and ultimately moving segment on the teaching strategies of piano teachers who “can’t see anymore,” when she revealed, with a sheepish grin, that she had been using Castraham as a learning tool for both triplets and 3/4 time signatures by transforming herself into a kind of human metronome via softly but rhythmically intoning “Cas-tra-ham, Cas-tra-ham, Cas-tra-ham.”

Average weight/height (record): .9 lbs/3.7” (1.4 lbs/4.2”)
Average life expectancy (record): 17.2 years (37.1 years)
Favorite book(s): during my nervous breakdown i want to have a biographer present, Eat When You Feel Sad, Less Than Zero, The Bird Room, The Easter Parade, The Stranger, books by Tao Lin, books by Noah Cicero
Favorite band(s): The Weakerthans; Delay; Defiance, Ohio; Beirut; Lil Wayne; Wingnut Dishwashers Union
Favorite movie(s): Ocean’s 11
Favorite sexual position: blowjob (receiving)

Hunting tips: Governmentally protected from hunting in most English-speaking countries due to the “catchiness” of the word that ostensibly refers to it (but is mostly spoken, thought, or typed with literally zero neurons referencing the concept of “species of hamster”), Castrahams can, fortunately, be hunted without the low-level fear of “being fined up to $50” in Northern Russia, Indonesia, societies with “tongue-click based languages,” and various South Indian territories where its phonetic “catchiness” does not translate. Approach it smiling and wearing a “Love Castrahams” T-shirt (Target, $12.99) before inserting a long knife fully into the unprotected area below its goatee, which, in prehistoric times was actually a growth of metallic scales evolved to deflect sharp objects.

Cooking tips: Cut the delicate meat of the underbelly and “sides” into thin, rectangular pieces and eat raw with ginger, wasabi, and a room-temperature soy sauce of low sodium. Broil the heartier meats of the backside, “behind,” and “forehead” and serve with a side of steamed broccoli. Use a soymilk-based dressing of creamy consistency, lemon juice with olive oil, or even ketchup. Good for healthy dinners alone. Rich in omega-3s, due to its partially grass-fed diet, as most Castrahams are vegans that are not averse to greens (as opposed to the kind of vegans that eat only “carbs, candy, and sometimes fake meat”). 

- from “North American Hamsters,” a forthcoming iPhone app by Tao Lin

BSG Hamster

The BSG Hamster, or “Brandon Scott Gorrell” Hamster, is a critically endangered species of seeing-impaired hamster that lives mostly in America’s rainy Northwest. Known for combining elements of science fiction, self-awareness, alienation, and sarcasm/detachment at levels not previously conveyed, some say, in American letters, the BSG Hamster is viewed as “worth saving” by most preservationist groups. However, during and following the period of relative political upheaval, from 2001-2011, support for the BSG Hamster “slackened considerably,” especially in election years, to the point that, in recent years, only the “most militant” one or two preservationist groups “still care, to some degree” re “its continued existence,” as its prose style and themes are widely viewed as causing “a kind of shift” away from socio-political matters to more existential matters, effecting dozens of young hamsters to neglect “voting for governmental officials,” instead focusing on “canning jars of organic food,” “reading Bret Easton Ellis, The Stranger, and bear parade,” and “creating short films soundtracked by Anticon bands to upload to their Vimeo accounts,” causing numbers, already low due to an aversion towards reproduction, to dwindle to double digits. Today only twelve BSG Hamsters are known to exist, with eight of them in zoos in Vietnam and South America. Notable achievements of the BSG Hamster include the poetry-collection during my nervous breakdown i want to have a biographer present (Muumuu House, 2009), the novella nervous assface (bear parade, 2009) and the blog brandon alien fine, which has been known to receive “mad hits.”

Average weight/height (record): .8 lbs/3.4” (1.5 lbs/4.1”)
Average life expectancy (record): 15.4 years (31.1 years)
Favorite book(s): The Sun Also Rises, The Stranger, cognitive-behavioral therapy
Favorite band(s): Why?
Favorite movie(s): Avatar
Favorite sexual position: missionary

Hunting tips: The BSG Hamster is most vulnerable in group settings. Approach it when it seems to be engaged in a social situation, as it will likely be “drunk” and/or “on drugs” and therefore unable to react to danger effectively. Place the BSG Hamster in a plastic baggie with pre-prepared “air holes,” to retain freshness. BSG Hamsters can stay alive in plastic baggies for up to 68 hours.

Cooking tips: Deep-fry and dip in tartar sauce for a tasty mid-afternoon snack. “Slide” 4-7 onto a pointy wooden stick and grill over a low-flame for “the perfect on-the-run snack,” according to New York Magazine. Versatile and nearly-perfectly “meat-ball shaped,” the BSG Hamster was the staple food of Italian immigrants until the mid-1960’s, when it was replaced by government-subsidized factory-farmed beef, pork, and chicken.

- from “North American Hamsters,” a forthcoming iPhone app by Tao Lin

Meta-Hamster

Taking allegorical form for 100% of its conscious existence, the Meta-Hamster, or Meta-Ham, is, according to those who have the ability to perceive it, a conceptual species of hamster that can only be perceived “as it ‘really’ is” if you have earned an MFA (or, increasingly, a PhD) in English, Creative Writing, or “Comp Lit.” Those without advanced degrees see only a nondescript hamster of normal height/weight, or what is known as the Common American Hamster. Those with advanced degrees in literature-related subjects, however, see—in addition to the Common American Hamster (though in recent years some have claimed to be unable to see the Common American Hamster but only the message it conveys)—“the fall of Western Civilization,” “the deterioration of a marriage,” “the loss of a child via abortion,” “[something about the bourgeoisie],” or, sometimes, “technology’s crippling effect on the youth of [the word ‘today,’ a country, or a generation],” depending on their context/goal in life at the moment of viewing. Many have argued that the Meta-Hamster is “not really meta” or “not at all meta” in the way that most things referred to as “ironic” are “not really ironic,” but usually simply “coincidental” or even “normal, not even coincidental,” but these arguments have only served to strengthen the Meta-Hamster’s brand, because to argue against its name seems, for the majority of people involved in the perpetuation of the Meta-Hamster as a legitimate species (and however ironic/sarcastic they are being in their claims of this), to only “prove” that the Meta-Hamster is meta, perhaps more meta than anyone yet realizes, even, as most people who see it have at most only one doctorate degree and two or three graduate degrees.

- from “North American Hamsters,” a forthcoming iPhone app by Tao Lin