My personal favorite:
3. LimeSmall and acidic, the lime performs oral sex in a “completely unpredictable” and often “insanely reckless” manner, hoping to cause orgasm accidentally. Most limes inexplicably have perfected this method, causing even men previously thought impotent to dependably orgasm. But the experience is so painful—most recipients spend the entire duration of the blowjob (sometimes more than 40 minutes of increasingly frenzied maneuvers) screaming extremely loudly—that it’s illegal unless performed under direct supervision of a doctor, who usually will numb most of the penis first with a few careful injections.
“ Perhaps this atmosphere—congenial, anecdotal, and yes, overwhelmingly female—was what made Tao Lin’s reading so startling. He listed the top ten worst fruits to get a blow job from, from blueberry (least worst) through passionfruit (number eight; the orgasm produced is “distinguishable from precum only by a CAT scan”) and pineapples (number four; Lin noted that they seem to have evolved “specifically to avoid giving a blow job”), and finally to the coconut, whose method of oral sex—repeatedly bashing the genital area—was so often fatal that suicide by coconut blow job had its own moniker, Lin claimed: “the coconut decision.
“ DO NOT EMAIL PEOPLE PRESSURING THEM TO RESPOND TO YOUR EMAILS
When interacting with someone, or thinking about interacting with someone, assume that your existence does not benefit them, that they don’t want to interact with you, that interacting with you is not one of their evolutionary or existential needs. Doing this will cause you to be more considerate, more inclined to improve yourself so that you may become more desirable and have a larger chance of being reciprocated, and less likely to resent the other person when they don’t reciprocate your affection or communications in an equal or—in especially belligerent cases—greater manner.
Be aware that if someone has not responded to your email or Facebook message they either don’t want to or simply haven’t done it yet, naturally and without ill-will, due to the nature of time and space, that one unit of matter cannot occupy more than one space at one time and that time is unidirectional, which results in “having priorities”—an unavoidable method of existence for non-schizophrenic humans that, in its more deliberate forms, is inherently considerate, in part because it decreases the chances of misleading people. Be aware that someone may not respond to your email even if you are amazingly considerate to them (via never pressuring them to respond to you, continuing to support their endeavors in a non-pressuring manner by participating non-pressuringly in their projects, never expressing or implying they’re causing you to feel sad or lonely or abandoned or unimportant) for 15 years after sending your email. If this happens do not feel negatively toward the other person; try to focus on liking someone for reasons that aren’t “because they like me” or “because they’re giving me attention.”
Accepting non-reciprocation quietly, without suddenly and nonsequiturly “hating” the person, is not only considerate but also productive, in that it’s probably the most effective, if not the only, way to “convince” the other person—some day, maybe, in some form—to sincerely reciprocate. If you feel jealous of who or what has been prioritized over you, or if you begin to feel resentment toward the person who isn’t reciprocating your affections, then you’re operating on the assumption that you own someone or that you’re defaultedly owed things and are being “cheated” out of those things—that the other person, or the universe, is “wronging” you. Behaving in this manner is illogical (in part because if people owned what they desired you would need to continually relent your desires to be someone else’s possession) and will cause people to dislike you and want to disassociate from you, increasing the amount of emails you send that receive no response.
— Tao Lin, How To Be Considerate On The Internet on Thought Catalog (via thoughtcatalog)
Meme-Hunting Expedition: Toronto by Tao Lin at Thought Catalog
