![Inconspicuously Hyperlinked Hamster
Nondescript unless touched with a force between 16 psi and 25.4 psi or viewed with a literally palpable intensity, at which point there materializes either a dotted line, sometimes of color, sort of “hovering” beneath it, or a light blue glow emanating from its surface, indicating that it is a hyperlink, the Inconspicuously Hyperlinked Hamster is otherwise a fine species of hamster—respectful, considerate, dignified, beautifully groomed, interestingly tactful, with no major vices, allergies, or viral susceptibilities.
Average weight/height (record): .9 lbs/2.7” (1.2 lbs/3.3”)Average life expectancy (record): 16.1 years (36.9 years)Favorite book(s): Dinner At The Home-Sick RestaurantFavorite band(s): Rainer Maria, Modest Mouse, MonadeFavorite movie(s): Stardust MemoriesFavorite sexual position: missionary
Hunting tips: Extremely difficult to capture because it’s a hyperlink that when touched at a force exceeding 25.4 psi transports your consciousness elsewhere—a porn site usually, though sometimes a Telegraph or [English-language newspaper based in India] article about humorously extreme domestic-violence, yeti sightings, or alleged discoveries of new species of fish—it is not recommended that one hunt the Inconspicuously Hyperlinked Hamster unless for financial reasons, in which case it is highly recommended that the “hunt” be filmed in one continuous shot periodically displaying that day’s New York Times to prove to prospective buyers that what you’ve captured isn’t actually a Common American Hamster or [other species of hamster worth little, or “nothing,” in terms of eating it for abstract reasons].
Cooking tips: Considered an extreme delicacy because of the stressful, embarrassing (for all parties), expensive, physically-demanding process of “de-linking” that must be exacted upon it before it can be touched (the most common “de-linking” method is actually to use a leaf blower on “any gathering of unsuspecting hamsters,” as the Inconspicuously Hyperlinked Hamster can physically resemble almost any type of hamster, into the physical manifestation of a blank Microsoft Word document, where it can be right-clicked to have its hyperlink removed), the actual meat of the Inconspicuously Hyperlinked Hamster is similar to that of the Freshwater Hamster—somewhat dry, vaguely fibrous, slightly bitter.
- from “North American Hamsters,” a forthcoming iPhone app by Tao Lin](http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l35cp2C42h1qzo3vco1_500.jpg)
Inconspicuously Hyperlinked Hamster
Nondescript unless touched with a force between 16 psi and 25.4 psi or viewed with a literally palpable intensity, at which point there materializes either a dotted line, sometimes of color, sort of “hovering” beneath it, or a light blue glow emanating from its surface, indicating that it is a hyperlink, the Inconspicuously Hyperlinked Hamster is otherwise a fine species of hamster—respectful, considerate, dignified, beautifully groomed, interestingly tactful, with no major vices, allergies, or viral susceptibilities.
Average weight/height (record): .9 lbs/2.7” (1.2 lbs/3.3”)
Average life expectancy (record): 16.1 years (36.9 years)
Favorite book(s): Dinner At The Home-Sick Restaurant
Favorite band(s): Rainer Maria, Modest Mouse, Monade
Favorite movie(s): Stardust Memories
Favorite sexual position: missionary
Hunting tips: Extremely difficult to capture because it’s a hyperlink that when touched at a force exceeding 25.4 psi transports your consciousness elsewhere—a porn site usually, though sometimes a Telegraph or [English-language newspaper based in India] article about humorously extreme domestic-violence, yeti sightings, or alleged discoveries of new species of fish—it is not recommended that one hunt the Inconspicuously Hyperlinked Hamster unless for financial reasons, in which case it is highly recommended that the “hunt” be filmed in one continuous shot periodically displaying that day’s New York Times to prove to prospective buyers that what you’ve captured isn’t actually a Common American Hamster or [other species of hamster worth little, or “nothing,” in terms of eating it for abstract reasons].
Cooking tips: Considered an extreme delicacy because of the stressful, embarrassing (for all parties), expensive, physically-demanding process of “de-linking” that must be exacted upon it before it can be touched (the most common “de-linking” method is actually to use a leaf blower on “any gathering of unsuspecting hamsters,” as the Inconspicuously Hyperlinked Hamster can physically resemble almost any type of hamster, into the physical manifestation of a blank Microsoft Word document, where it can be right-clicked to have its hyperlink removed), the actual meat of the Inconspicuously Hyperlinked Hamster is similar to that of the Freshwater Hamster—somewhat dry, vaguely fibrous, slightly bitter.
- from “North American Hamsters,” a forthcoming iPhone app by Tao Lin
