![“Melissa Broder” Hamster
A poetic, fast-maturing species of hamster that typically before even reaching the age, in hamster years, of “tweenhood” has already entered a life-long symbiotic relationship with one to three guinea pigs, the “Melissa Broder” Hamster is known additionally for its excellent, bright, and unusual—though rare, to some degree—use of similes/metaphors and beautifully dirty-blonde locks generally considered to be the longest and “most flowing” (New York Magazine) among North American hamsters without extensive fur-work at an early age. Some say the symbiotic relationship is more predatory than mutually beneficial, as the “Melissa Broder” Hamster has been known to somehow train its guinea pigs to walk in certain directions at certain speeds as it stands on their backsides, perhaps by emitting high-pitched predatory noises while applying directionalized pressure via its feet, much in the manner that humans “ride” Segways. The consensus, to a large degree, however, is that this behavior is more cute than exploitive, especially as a tableaux (a hamster “riding” a guinea pig), due to the extremely cute nature of “everyone” involved—in addition, it should be admitted, to the incommunicable nature of “the obscure thoughts and feelings of the mysterious guinea pig,” that “they cannot complain, even if they wanted to badly” (Newsweek). In its self-transportation methods the “Melissa Broder” Hamster is viewed by five out of seven scientists as a zeitgeist-changing innovator, to be admired and interviewed in alt-weeklies, leading to mainstream coverage 2-4 years from now. In recent years the “guinea pig component” of the aforementioned symbiotic relationship has been referred to, in an almost impatient manner, as “the intern” or “the interns,” as the “Melissa Broder” Hamster, though most notably the author of the poetry-collection When You Say One Thing And Mean Your Mother, has also been known to work as a publicist for a major publishing company. In 2013, after years of rumors, it was confirmed on the internet that the five largest publishing companies had banded together to secretly construct the largest guinea pig factory farm in the Western hemisphere, in rural New Jersey, for purposes of producing an unlimited supply of interns cheaply and in conditions that would render “complaining” in any other context, outside the factory farm, “impossible”—which would benefit the overall office environment, possibly decreasing out-of-control, passive-aggressive, or “really inconsiderate” behavior in the workplace. The project seemed misguided to many because guinea pigs already “cannot complain,” as Newsweek so affectingly enunciated as early as 1982.
Average weight/height (record): .6 lbs/2.8” (.9 lbs/3.1”) Average life expectancy (record): 14.4 years (27.9 years) Favorite book(s): short ones Favorite band(s): Belle & Sebastian Favorite movie(s): Harold and Maude Favorite sexual position: The Bernadette Mayer
Hunting tips: Silently—carrying a garbage bag—approach the “Melissa Broder” Hamster from behind, as its inetrns will probably be on either side of it. Place the “Melissa Broder” Hamster and, optionally, one to three interns (depending on your dinner plans) inside the garbage bag, taking care not to be deceived by the lightless folds of your garbage bag if it’s black—recommended if hunting at night—in a manner that causes you to discern an opening where there simply isn’t one.
Cooking tips: Serve baked in entirety with a salt-and-pepper or tomato-y dipping sauce (or both, even) for a crispy, calcium-rich snack. Good for children who appreciate when their food resembles [any noun or even pronoun, for example “Robert Creeley”], but in miniature, for example animal crackers—though in this case, in a phenomenon whose long-term effects on the child psyche is not yet known, the food will, in terms of shape, resemble itself literally. In adult settings feel free to quip “literally eating a poet, a published poet” or something like “wonder how what I’m eating would describe this moment within the haiku form, if I was eating it in a manner that it could still use Microsoft Word,” substituting “haiku” with “sestina,” “tanka,” or [anything, really] depending on context.
- from “North American Hamsters,” a forthcoming iPhone app by Tao Lin](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l0kvc809zO1qzo3vco1_500.jpg)
“Melissa Broder” Hamster
A poetic, fast-maturing species of hamster that typically before even reaching the age, in hamster years, of “tweenhood” has already entered a life-long symbiotic relationship with one to three guinea pigs, the “Melissa Broder” Hamster is known additionally for its excellent, bright, and unusual—though rare, to some degree—use of similes/metaphors and beautifully dirty-blonde locks generally considered to be the longest and “most flowing” (New York Magazine) among North American hamsters without extensive fur-work at an early age. Some say the symbiotic relationship is more predatory than mutually beneficial, as the “Melissa Broder” Hamster has been known to somehow train its guinea pigs to walk in certain directions at certain speeds as it stands on their backsides, perhaps by emitting high-pitched predatory noises while applying directionalized pressure via its feet, much in the manner that humans “ride” Segways. The consensus, to a large degree, however, is that this behavior is more cute than exploitive, especially as a tableaux (a hamster “riding” a guinea pig), due to the extremely cute nature of “everyone” involved—in addition, it should be admitted, to the incommunicable nature of “the obscure thoughts and feelings of the mysterious guinea pig,” that “they cannot complain, even if they wanted to badly” (Newsweek). In its self-transportation methods the “Melissa Broder” Hamster is viewed by five out of seven scientists as a zeitgeist-changing innovator, to be admired and interviewed in alt-weeklies, leading to mainstream coverage 2-4 years from now. In recent years the “guinea pig component” of the aforementioned symbiotic relationship has been referred to, in an almost impatient manner, as “the intern” or “the interns,” as the “Melissa Broder” Hamster, though most notably the author of the poetry-collection When You Say One Thing And Mean Your Mother, has also been known to work as a publicist for a major publishing company. In 2013, after years of rumors, it was confirmed on the internet that the five largest publishing companies had banded together to secretly construct the largest guinea pig factory farm in the Western hemisphere, in rural New Jersey, for purposes of producing an unlimited supply of interns cheaply and in conditions that would render “complaining” in any other context, outside the factory farm, “impossible”—which would benefit the overall office environment, possibly decreasing out-of-control, passive-aggressive, or “really inconsiderate” behavior in the workplace. The project seemed misguided to many because guinea pigs already “cannot complain,” as Newsweek so affectingly enunciated as early as 1982.
Average weight/height (record): .6 lbs/2.8” (.9 lbs/3.1”)
Average life expectancy (record): 14.4 years (27.9 years)
Favorite book(s): short ones
Favorite band(s): Belle & Sebastian
Favorite movie(s): Harold and Maude
Favorite sexual position: The Bernadette Mayer
Hunting tips: Silently—carrying a garbage bag—approach the “Melissa Broder” Hamster from behind, as its inetrns will probably be on either side of it. Place the “Melissa Broder” Hamster and, optionally, one to three interns (depending on your dinner plans) inside the garbage bag, taking care not to be deceived by the lightless folds of your garbage bag if it’s black—recommended if hunting at night—in a manner that causes you to discern an opening where there simply isn’t one.
Cooking tips: Serve baked in entirety with a salt-and-pepper or tomato-y dipping sauce (or both, even) for a crispy, calcium-rich snack. Good for children who appreciate when their food resembles [any noun or even pronoun, for example “Robert Creeley”], but in miniature, for example animal crackers—though in this case, in a phenomenon whose long-term effects on the child psyche is not yet known, the food will, in terms of shape, resemble itself literally. In adult settings feel free to quip “literally eating a poet, a published poet” or something like “wonder how what I’m eating would describe this moment within the haiku form, if I was eating it in a manner that it could still use Microsoft Word,” substituting “haiku” with “sestina,” “tanka,” or [anything, really] depending on context.
- from “North American Hamsters,” a forthcoming iPhone app by Tao Lin
