![“Jordan Castro” Hamster
The “Jordan Castro” Hamster is a tragic species of mid-western hamster known almost exclusively (to 98.9%, 94.6%, or 91.2% of the North American population, according to studies by grad-students at universities as diverse as Harvard, Rutgers, and SCC) for the catchiness of its abbreviated name—Castraham—despite being more notable journalistically and perhaps objectively, to some degree, for exhibiting a charmingly high level of productivity at a young age in a myriad of genres/vocations including folk-punk, pop-punk, political pop-punk, banjo, guitar, tap dancing, [knowledge of] rap music, [knowledge of] certain “internet lit scenes,” poetry, fiction, non-fiction, “Flickr,” “Twitter,” and “having a regularly updated blog.” Some say the catchiness of the word Castraham (which in a 2011 dual-study at Yale and Wesleyan was found to be used an average of 18.9 times per semester per undergraduate poetry class), is a result, “simply,” of containing only one kind of vowel three times in quick succession—a more intense version of “hobo” or “ABBA,” for example. Others say the appeal of the word is “beyond explanation,” or rather that it is a phenomenon “more suited for feeling wonder and gratitude towards” (rather than “explaining, as if it were a long division problem, another thing to solve and forget”), not unlike the existence of fractals in the Romanesco broccoli and some forms of the bonsai tree. In 2014 an elderly piano teacher “delighted America, and other countries” when she appeared on ABC’s 20/20 in a quirky and ultimately moving segment on the teaching strategies of piano teachers who “can’t see anymore,” when she revealed, with a sheepish grin, that she had been using Castraham as a learning tool for both triplets and 3/4 time signatures by transforming herself into a kind of human metronome via softly but rhythmically intoning “Cas-tra-ham, Cas-tra-ham, Cas-tra-ham.”
Average weight/height (record): .9 lbs/3.7” (1.4 lbs/4.2”)Average life expectancy (record): 17.2 years (37.1 years)Favorite book(s): during my nervous breakdown i want to have a biographer present, Eat When You Feel Sad, Less Than Zero, The Bird Room, The Easter Parade, The Stranger, books by Tao Lin, books by Noah CiceroFavorite band(s): The Weakerthans; Delay; Defiance, Ohio; Beirut; Lil Wayne; Wingnut Dishwashers UnionFavorite movie(s): Ocean’s 11Favorite sexual position: blowjob (receiving)
Hunting tips: Governmentally protected from hunting in most English-speaking countries due to the “catchiness” of the word that ostensibly refers to it (but is mostly spoken, thought, or typed with literally zero neurons referencing the concept of “species of hamster”), Castrahams can, fortunately, be hunted without the low-level fear of “being fined up to $50” in Northern Russia, Indonesia, societies with “tongue-click based languages,” and various South Indian territories where its phonetic “catchiness” does not translate. Approach it smiling and wearing a “Love Castrahams” T-shirt (Target, $12.99) before inserting a long knife fully into the unprotected area below its goatee, which, in prehistoric times was actually a growth of metallic scales evolved to deflect sharp objects.
Cooking tips: Cut the delicate meat of the underbelly and “sides” into thin, rectangular pieces and eat raw with ginger, wasabi, and a room-temperature soy sauce of low sodium. Broil the heartier meats of the backside, “behind,” and “forehead” and serve with a side of steamed broccoli. Use a soymilk-based dressing of creamy consistency, lemon juice with olive oil, or even ketchup. Good for healthy dinners alone. Rich in omega-3s, due to its partially grass-fed diet, as most Castrahams are vegans that are not averse to greens (as opposed to the kind of vegans that eat only “carbs, candy, and sometimes fake meat”).
- from “North American Hamsters,” a forthcoming iPhone app by Tao Lin](http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kzngpxzscZ1qzo3vco1_500.jpg)
“Jordan Castro” Hamster
The “Jordan Castro” Hamster is a tragic species of mid-western hamster known almost exclusively (to 98.9%, 94.6%, or 91.2% of the North American population, according to studies by grad-students at universities as diverse as Harvard, Rutgers, and SCC) for the catchiness of its abbreviated name—Castraham—despite being more notable journalistically and perhaps objectively, to some degree, for exhibiting a charmingly high level of productivity at a young age in a myriad of genres/vocations including folk-punk, pop-punk, political pop-punk, banjo, guitar, tap dancing, [knowledge of] rap music, [knowledge of] certain “internet lit scenes,” poetry, fiction, non-fiction, “Flickr,” “Twitter,” and “having a regularly updated blog.” Some say the catchiness of the word Castraham (which in a 2011 dual-study at Yale and Wesleyan was found to be used an average of 18.9 times per semester per undergraduate poetry class), is a result, “simply,” of containing only one kind of vowel three times in quick succession—a more intense version of “hobo” or “ABBA,” for example. Others say the appeal of the word is “beyond explanation,” or rather that it is a phenomenon “more suited for feeling wonder and gratitude towards” (rather than “explaining, as if it were a long division problem, another thing to solve and forget”), not unlike the existence of fractals in the Romanesco broccoli and some forms of the bonsai tree. In 2014 an elderly piano teacher “delighted America, and other countries” when she appeared on ABC’s 20/20 in a quirky and ultimately moving segment on the teaching strategies of piano teachers who “can’t see anymore,” when she revealed, with a sheepish grin, that she had been using Castraham as a learning tool for both triplets and 3/4 time signatures by transforming herself into a kind of human metronome via softly but rhythmically intoning “Cas-tra-ham, Cas-tra-ham, Cas-tra-ham.”
Average weight/height (record): .9 lbs/3.7” (1.4 lbs/4.2”)
Average life expectancy (record): 17.2 years (37.1 years)
Favorite book(s): during my nervous breakdown i want to have a biographer present, Eat When You Feel Sad, Less Than Zero, The Bird Room, The Easter Parade, The Stranger, books by Tao Lin, books by Noah Cicero
Favorite band(s): The Weakerthans; Delay; Defiance, Ohio; Beirut; Lil Wayne; Wingnut Dishwashers Union
Favorite movie(s): Ocean’s 11
Favorite sexual position: blowjob (receiving)
Hunting tips: Governmentally protected from hunting in most English-speaking countries due to the “catchiness” of the word that ostensibly refers to it (but is mostly spoken, thought, or typed with literally zero neurons referencing the concept of “species of hamster”), Castrahams can, fortunately, be hunted without the low-level fear of “being fined up to $50” in Northern Russia, Indonesia, societies with “tongue-click based languages,” and various South Indian territories where its phonetic “catchiness” does not translate. Approach it smiling and wearing a “Love Castrahams” T-shirt (Target, $12.99) before inserting a long knife fully into the unprotected area below its goatee, which, in prehistoric times was actually a growth of metallic scales evolved to deflect sharp objects.
Cooking tips: Cut the delicate meat of the underbelly and “sides” into thin, rectangular pieces and eat raw with ginger, wasabi, and a room-temperature soy sauce of low sodium. Broil the heartier meats of the backside, “behind,” and “forehead” and serve with a side of steamed broccoli. Use a soymilk-based dressing of creamy consistency, lemon juice with olive oil, or even ketchup. Good for healthy dinners alone. Rich in omega-3s, due to its partially grass-fed diet, as most Castrahams are vegans that are not averse to greens (as opposed to the kind of vegans that eat only “carbs, candy, and sometimes fake meat”).
- from “North American Hamsters,” a forthcoming iPhone app by Tao Lin
