Morbidly Obese Hamster
The Morbidly Obese Hamster lives mostly in idle seclusion, often on the “vaguely scarily” forested fringes of suburban public parks, though they have been known to wander openly into people’s backyards during barbeques with glassy, almost-haunted expressions in their eyes (ultimately a source of comic relief to families experiencing near-constant “marital despair”) signifying a kind of insatiable hunger caused by excessive ingestion of processed carbs having irreversibly damaged their blood-sugar regulating systems, via repeated “spikings” of insulin levels, to the point of unfunctionality. In some cultures the Morbidly Obese Hamster is viewed as a warning not against excess but against corporate influence on the food industry. In the vast majority of cultures, however, the Morbidly Obese Hamster is viewed “simply” as an amusing, slow-moving, cube-shaped object that when heated becomes a delicious food.
Average weight/height (record): 26 lbs/1’2” (68 lbs/1’9”)
Average life expectancy (record): 2.4 years (3.3 years)
Favorite book(s): anything by Mark Twain or Bonnie Jo Campbell
Favorite band(s): Insane Clowne Posse, post “Melon Collie…” Smashing Pumpkins
Favorite movie(s): Lost Boys
Favorite sexual position: missionary (fantasized only)
Hunting tips: Morbidly Obese Hamsters have been known to attack with a sudden “out-of-control rage” not usually seen in non-predatory animals. However, due to their lack of limbic mobility and their normal hamster-sized mouths (usually “deep” in their heads, within multiple folds of soft flesh) of small and almost “conical” teeth, the attacks are usually more humorous and emotional (Jonathan Franzen, in an as-yet uncollected essay for The Orlando Sentinel, described one such attack as “a shockingly substantial event of strong pathos”) than dangerous, though one should still exercise caution, as fatalities, though rare, have been recorded. Inject a syringeful of wheatgrass or “concentrated green juice” intravenously or into a bite-size Snickers bar to then feed to the “desired” specimen: the normally-healthy alkaline “beverage” will cause the Morbidly Obese Hamster, whose ph-levels average an astounding 5.9, to release toxins at a speed its organs cannot absorb without relinquishing their existential functions.
Cooking tips: Simmer the “mostly fatty” layers of meat in a savory broth of garlic, ginger, soybean paste, black pepper, and MSG. Serve spoonfuls of the resulting stew over white rice with a generous, unseasoned side of lightly-steamed bok choy or white cabbage. Good for wartime, those who are irrationally frugal, or actually poor parents of large families, as a few tablespoons of stew or small piece of fatty meat is usually satisfying flavor-wise for one or two bowls of rice or plain noodles.
- from “North American Hamsters,” a forthcoming iPhone app by Tao Lin
