BSG Hamster
The BSG Hamster, or “Brandon Scott Gorrell” Hamster, is a critically endangered species of seeing-impaired hamster that lives mostly in America’s rainy Northwest. Known for combining elements of science fiction, self-awareness, alienation, and sarcasm/detachment at levels not previously conveyed, some say, in American letters, the BSG Hamster is viewed as “worth saving” by most preservationist groups. However, during and following the period of relative political upheaval, from 2001-2011, support for the BSG Hamster “slackened considerably,” especially in election years, to the point that, in recent years, only the “most militant” one or two preservationist groups “still care, to some degree” re “its continued existence,” as its prose style and themes are widely viewed as causing “a kind of shift” away from socio-political matters to more existential matters, effecting dozens of young hamsters to neglect “voting for governmental officials,” instead focusing on “canning jars of organic food,” “reading Bret Easton Ellis, The Stranger, and bear parade,” and “creating short films soundtracked by Anticon bands to upload to their Vimeo accounts,” causing numbers, already low due to an aversion towards reproduction, to dwindle to double digits. Today only twelve BSG Hamsters are known to exist, with eight of them in zoos in Vietnam and South America. Notable achievements of the BSG Hamster include the poetry-collection during my nervous breakdown i want to have a biographer present (Muumuu House, 2009), the novella nervous assface (bear parade, 2009) and the blog brandon alien fine, which has been known to receive “mad hits.”
Average weight/height (record): .8 lbs/3.4” (1.5 lbs/4.1”)
Average life expectancy (record): 15.4 years (31.1 years)
Favorite book(s): The Sun Also Rises, The Stranger, cognitive-behavioral therapy
Favorite band(s): Why?
Favorite movie(s): Avatar
Favorite sexual position: missionary
Hunting tips: The BSG Hamster is most vulnerable in group settings. Approach it when it seems to be engaged in a social situation, as it will likely be “drunk” and/or “on drugs” and therefore unable to react to danger effectively. Place the BSG Hamster in a plastic baggie with pre-prepared “air holes,” to retain freshness. BSG Hamsters can stay alive in plastic baggies for up to 68 hours.
Cooking tips: Deep-fry and dip in tartar sauce for a tasty mid-afternoon snack. “Slide” 4-7 onto a pointy wooden stick and grill over a low-flame for “the perfect on-the-run snack,” according to New York Magazine. Versatile and nearly-perfectly “meat-ball shaped,” the BSG Hamster was the staple food of Italian immigrants until the mid-1960’s, when it was replaced by government-subsidized factory-farmed beef, pork, and chicken.
- from “North American Hamsters,” a forthcoming iPhone app by Tao Lin
