Tao Lin’s Top 10 Unpublished Articles of 2011
Here are ten articles I worked on in 2011 that are in various stages of completion and currently unpublished. I’ve ordered them, to some degree, by my current level of interest (least to most). Below the excerpts (from what I have) of each, I’ve included brief commentary: “estimated percent complete,” “chance of publication in 2012.” These were mostly worked on with intention to publish at Thought Catalog.
10. HOW TO BE AN 80-SOMETHING
Be perpetually “musty.” Your acne is gone, your face has wrinkled and changed colors, your body is something that remains always unseen. Ingest omega-3 vitamins three times a day with mineral water and do a “safe” version of Pilates almost every day; you’ll still be 82 or 86 and think of yourself as “morbidly elderly.” When you finally attempt “real” Pilates one afternoon under the supervision of a twenty-something hired off Craigslist you´ll actually break both your legs and fracture your skull. Enjoy your OxyCodone prescription with a recklessness you never fully adopted as a twenty-something, believing then that you wanted to improve, physically and mentally, into your 30s and 40s and 50s, which you did (you actually really did).
COMMENTARY: Line-by-line rewrite of “How to be a 20-Something”
ESTIMATED PERCENT COMPLETE: 35%
CHANCE OF PUBLICATION IN 2012: 3%9. TOP 10 PEOPLE WHO SHOULD UNSUCCESSFULLY ATTEMPT TO CANCEL THEIR BOINGO ACCOUNTS FOR MORE THAN 4 HOURS ONE AFTERNOON
Boingo is a $9.95/month subscription service for wireless internet in airports and other places. The first Google result for “how to cancel boingo” is an article titled “Plan on Spending Hours to Cancel Your Boingo Account.”
COMMENTARY: Felt less interest after I was able to cancel my Boingo account in ~10 minutes
ESTIMATED PERCENT COMPLETE: 2%
CHANCE OF PUBLICATION IN 2012: 2%8. HOW TO STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT YOUR LIFE
Do not think in terms of “have to” or “need to.” You literally do not “have to” go to work, respond to someone’s email, or clean the bathtub. View what you are about to do as what you “want to” do. If you are unable to view something you are about to do as what you “want to” do, then don’t do it. Why would you have dinner with your co-worker if you don’t want to? If your answer is “because my co-workers will think I’m weird if I don’t” then you “want to” have dinner with your co-worker because you want your co-workers to think you’re normal. It isn’t required that your co-workers not think you’re weird. If you fall off a building you “have to” move in a downward manner, due to gravity, that can be calculated in an equation. The other physical laws of the universe are also required. Nothing else is required.
COMMENTARY: Feel like this could get “mad hits” but I don’t like its tone
ESTIMATED PERCENT COMPLETE: 40%
CHANCE OF PUBLICATION IN 2012: 2%
